##_____________________ mieru

lonely me - Saturday, January 3, 2004
it's sad really. I never wanted to love anyone but I ended up doing so. I didn't know things were going to be this way, that I would be hurt so many times. With a feeling I've denied for so long, I finally meet it face to face. I don't understand why things have to be sacrificed when I finally incorporate a new emotion I have never felt before. It's so confusing. And then when I am alone, thinking to myself, I wonder if it is really love or something else. I can't tell the difference. I don't want to be hurt anymore. He isn't hurting me but as I grow with him, I have to keep lying to some others. I wonder if it's worth it. Yeah, I think it is... but no... that's what I thought last time. I don't know anymore. Inside I'm just a sad and confused person. Without him though... I am nothing. I love him don't I? I hope in the back of my head a part of me I do not recognize is planning something else.

anger and other stuff... - Friday, January 2, 2004
people can get mad for various reasons. some get mad for the smallest reasons and some are just... plain reasonable reasons. all in all, anger is something we all feel in life, whether it be expressed or not.

an ironic thing happened back in september to me. i was in a chatroom started by my best friend *cough cough*. and yeah, one of the people there who was a girl got really mad at me even though i was just innocently just playing around. the thing is, i wasn't talking to her and in the first place and when she did say something to me, it was with cuss words so i replied back with cuss words (because at first i seriously thought she was playing around... O___o) but then it turned serious. I apologized but she claimed I needed to bow down if I wanted forgiveness. No person needs to bow down to a person like that, especially someone who comes at you with an accusation rather than being all like "ok why'd you do that? was that towards me?" most ridiculous thing is... i heard that she thinks i don't like her because supposedly my best friend *cough cough* used to like her... and that is funny to me because he actually hates her. well the thing is, i tried to apologize but she doesn't listen. and now she wants to beat me up. it's sort of funny in a way... because she is overreacting and is too arrogant to consider the other side's behalf.

annoyance - Monday, December 29, 2003
i may be prying but... everyone has things that they are annoyed by, whether big or small... there are still irritating stuffz... and for me here's a list of some annoying things and before you flame me, i don't mean to offend -__- ...

- AzN and basically ASIAN repeats... like "Asian Pride" and "Yeah! I'm Asian!" ... in my head I'm like "so wut?!" because usually those types hang out with only Asians with an exception of few ppl...
- big asian groups where all you see are asian ppl and who are usually snobby... because they always hate me for no reason but the way they act is mean and gets to me -__-
- ppl with a large buddylist but have no conversations with them, or worse yet, that person doesn't even know that he/she is on that person's list... i mean who the hell cares, just have the sn's of people you talk to goddammnit...
- ppl who emphasize the beauty of a layout... u MOFO's it's about content cuz sum pretty sites got da worse content out there n vise versa
- guys who flirt their heart out to taken girls or guys who flirt at all, itz all about guys who act like themselves (but all love to MY GUY =) )

n i guess daz it for now =P just bored n ranting -__-

so sweet - Saturday, December 27, 2003
just sitting here, blind am i?
innocent face, inside so poisoned
people passing by, i don't know them
i pass a smile though because i envy them
they are accepted aren't they? by society
the society i live in but i am rejected
snatch and run, they are all so pretty
business people and regular school children
they all look so normal so happy
everyone else likes them don't they?
what about me, i try to talk to you
i try to talk to them
you aren't looking at me
do you notice me?
so sweet everyone, they are all so beautiful
i once thought i was like everyone else
i was embarrassed to learn i was actually different
they don't like me though
they are all so sweet
i am a different creature
i try to accept
but i am still sad because you nor anyone else
accepts me or likes me...
so hated.

utter acceptance - Saturday, December 27, 2003
if acceptance from society isn't necessary, i wonder why it hurts when i am always rejected? i thought i had friends but in the end why does it turn out that they had little faith in me at all negatively? if family is supposed to be there for me, how come i am despised as a child who speaks hardly any words? when i try to be kind to others why must they misinterpret my actions? if i am worried about someone and try to speak, why must they take my words as signs of hostility? i do not speak unless spoken to when around new people but they take that as rude... when i talk they don't understand where i'm coming from. i don't understand society... the world around me. if i am not accepted here or there... where do i belong?

test - Saturday, December 27, 2003
testing 1 2 3 ... there are no images used here to signify my feeling of not being noticed. -__- mieru means "to be seen; to be in sight", twas titled to be mieru because of the desire to be accepted and noticed

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